That’s right. I said VAMPIRE BASEBALL. If you enjoy seeing movies made for pre-teen girls, you’ll know that I am referring to an AWESOME scene in the blockbuster hit “Twilight.” I will be honest with you, I was not planning on seeing this movie. I’m not proud of the fact that I succumbed to peer pressure. But when I commit to something, I go for it with gusto. My friend Julia sent me this review which was hilarious, and confirmed that I would be alternating laughing with cringing for a whole 103 minutes. But nothing, and I mean NOTHING could have prepared me for Vampire Baseball.
Imagine the Harry Potter scenes of Quidditch. Not the first movie, gawd those special effects were painful to watch. I mean when they started improving it around the second movie. Not “Prisoner of Azkaban.” If you’re imagining that, you’ve gone too far. That’s much too advanced for “Twilight.”
The scene begins with Bella and Edward going to hang out with Edward’s “family.” They tell her dad that they are going to play baseball. I thought that was code for making out. That’s what I would have done in high school, but apparently I am more perverse than an f-ing vampire. Nope! Imagine my shock when they are really going to play baseball in a thunderstorm! Turns out that they need to play in a storm because the thunder masks the loud crack that the bat makes when it hits the ball. Because they are so strong. And supernatural. (The supernatural part comes from vampire venom. You would think by now science would have developed an antivenin. Because let me tell you, the people of Washington State need to get stock in that shit STAT.)
So they are just knocking them out of the park, making Babe Ruth look like a d-bag. You think one of them would have been signed to the majors by now. Absolutely not, they choose to play in a forest in inclement weather instead. Not only can they hit, but they also can leap really high in the air, catch really well, throw amazingly fast and do your taxes ALL WHILE YOU WAIT. It was as if you dumbed down “Crouching Tiger and Hidden Dragon” and made it about Vampires playing baseball instead of the awesome poetic movie it was.
I am not even sure if I actually laughed during this scene or did an “Awww, man,” in disgust. I was doing so much of both throughout the movie that it’s hard to keep it straight. I went into this movie with such low expectations that I wasn’t disappointed. Robert Pattinson is dreamy to look at, when he wasn’t being so inexplicably tortured. The dude has a pretty sweet life in the movie. Maybe he needs more fiber in his diet. That might work some of that disposition out. (Or something out, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I’m an 8 year old boy.) This movie was still, by miles, better than “Vertical Limit” which I also saw in the theaters. If you’d like to see a cinematic representation of fecal matter ask me. I own it. AND it has Bill Paxton.
The best part of this movie? That I got to hang out with my awesome friends. We have the best women in my knitting group. Each of them brings something awesome to the table and when one of them is missing, their absence is definitely noticed. Thanks for putting up with my never ending stream of blather. You humor this lady.
Overall, Twilight made me proud to be an American, proud to be a hominid and proud to eat food. I give this movie 1 1/2 knitting needles out of 4.